How to Waste Your First Kiss
Guys, I blew it.
I spent 24 very full but romantically empty years unkissed. I didn’t see any problem with it. There had been guys that I’d been interested and guys that were interested in me but very often it never worked out. It just wasn’t my time.
I’m also a very independent person so the idea of a relationship always seemed confining. I’m a very happy single person. Yay doing whatever I want when I want!
I’m not saying I wouldn’t get a boyfriend if the right person came along but I’d much rather be single than get involved with the wrong person.
Needless to say, I was really okay with the fact I was 24 and hadn’t had my first kiss. I compared it to skydiving. Would I like to do it someday? Sure. Was I okay it hadn’t happened yet? Yes. Was I going to make sure it happened with a qualified and reputable company? Heck yes!
And I should have paid attention to that last part.
I do go on dates. Granted it’s only maybe once or twice a month but I do go on dates. Generally, there are a lot of first dates. I never seem to make it to the second date. I don’t know, maybe I’m picky. But I don’t like to kiss on first dates. I’m not a very physical person when it comes to hugs and casual touches so I have to really feel comfortable with a person before I get to that point with them.
Well, last October I found someone I wanted to keep dating. And we when on several dates and I thought it was really going somewhere but we sat down and he told me he just wanted to be friends.
I was devastated. I don’t put myself out there a lot and when I did I got shot down. I was in a bad emotional state and I got angry.
On my next date, it was with a guy I barely knew. We met online and honestly may have only talked for 15 minutes before we set up the date. We had dinner and had nice conversation but I wasn’t really feeling a connection. He wanted to take a walk afterwards so we walked through the mall together.
We were walking hand in hand and we stopped to admire a piece of art. He looked at me and I could tell he was concentrating really hard and then he started to move in. I could tell what was happening and I had a split second to stop him where I had stopped so many others. But I was angry. The last guy I dated didn’t think I was worth dating. He didn’t think I was special. And here was a guy who thought I was amazing and wonderful and wanted to kiss me. I wanted to prove to myself that I was worth something.
So I let him kiss me.
I knew it was a mistake about two seconds in. It’s not that he was a bad kisser. I could tell he had “technique”, maybe a little too much tongue, but not bad. I just felt no connection to the kiss at all. There was no joy in it, no excitement and I had grown up thinking that kisses were magical and this was anything but.
We stopped kissing and kept walking and making conversation. About ten minutes later he stops us again and again he moves in to kiss me. I know you’re cringing right now but I let him kiss me again. I thought maybe the first time was a fluke. Maybe we were doing it wrong. Maybe it was just nerves.
Nope. It was just as bad as the first time.
I felt hopeless. Was this really what kissing was like? Would I ever enjoy it?
We walked back to my car and I hugged him goodbye. I drove home deflated. I wasn’t sure if I was more upset with myself that I let him kiss me or the fact that I didn’t feel anything.
Now I know it might be lame to still be living with my mom but on this night I was really glad to have her so I could talk about what happened. I explained the date and the walking and the kisses and how I had felt nothing when we kissed.
She went on to explain, “It’s different with every guy you kiss. Some are better kissers than others. But the best kisses are when you’re in love with someone. They’re the most satisfying kisses out there.”
I had to agree. In every movie or book or stories from friends, the best kisses had happened when there was an emotional connection. I had been so caught up with having a guy attracted to me that I let him take away what could have been really special if I had waited for the right person and the right feelings.
In self-reflection, I’m upset that I let it happen. I wish I would’ve waited for someone I really cared about and trusted. I think I would’ve had a better experience then. I’m also upset that I let my self-worth be determined by the fact that someone wanted to kiss me. That was definitely a low point there.
But I’m also glad that it happened. I’ve learned my lesson. I’m not going to be letting just anyone kiss me now. It’s just not worth it.
So my advice for your next kiss:
- Be in love. Or at the very least a strong-like. You don’t need to rush into the physical stuff. If the guy is really worth it, he’ll wait.
- Make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons. You’re self-worth isn’t determined by how many guys want to kiss you.
I know there’s probably more advice out there about kissing but this is what I have to offer you. I’ll be following this the next time around.
Let me know if you’ve had bad first kisses or advice about first kisses in the comments below.